Saturday, May 29, 2010

                  What is the point of it all?

So this is the question I asked my now 15 year old son, Steven, as I am in the middle of a major funk.  His reply?  Well, there's always chocolate.

Chocolate is fabulous.  I have to melt on my tongue at least one Dove Dark Chocolate square a day in order to feel sane for 5 minutes.  It's the rest of the 23 hours and 55 minutes that I have yet to come to terms with!

Keith and I had some great plans laid out for the next 2-3 years (or at least I did, and he lovingly accepted them).  I was going to go to genetic counseling school, work for 1 year full-time, take the boards, and take a nice, kushy (sp?), part-time job doing work that I would love, and spend the rest of the time doting on my wonderful children, as they matured into hardworking, responsible, chore-doing, caring members of society.

So, that didn't happen.  I did not get accepted to any of the 7 schools I applied (got 4 interviews, did 3 of them, 2 denied me, 1 closed down their program).  Next, we decided to move to Utah.  We found the perfect house in the neighborhood where Keith's parents live.  We were going to buy it, have good friends of ours live there until they could get back on their feet, and move in after a year or two of paying off our currents debts.  Well, this didn't happen either, b/c apparently when buying a second home you need 20% down, and at least 5 of that has to have been sitting in your own bank account for at least 3 months.  We don't have 10 grand laying around right now (how shocking, I know).  And now our dear friends are not able to move to Utah right now, either.

So, I'm currently still kicking around the med school idea, but I just don't feel that drive that I used to have.  I think that what the Lord is trying to tell me right now is that I need to stay home and be the mother that I haven't been while I've been in school.  The past 6 months, the ugly bipolar has reared it's head in a vicious way.  My oldest has become unrecognizable:  skipping school for weeks in a row, blatantly defying us when we ask for help around the house, and spending hours in bed texting and listening to her ipod (which she did buy with her own money, after all).  Eric, who is 8, is being home schooled, but the minute the other kids get home, until he goes to a medicated sleep at 8pm, tortures them mercilessly with his picking, taunting, teasing, and throwing things.  When he is reprimanded for those behaviors, he turns on me and whines, screams, and yells for the next couple  of hours.

What we need is the Nanny!  Unfortunately WV does not even have licensed family therapists.  The next best option is counseling, which we are starting in  2 weeks.  It can't come soon enough!  Meanwhile, I am trying to hold it all together and not feel like I'm the lead contestant for the Bad Mother of the Year Award.

The good news:  Steven is doing well, Calvin successfully completed (almost) his first year of school, and baby Ivan is eating solids (mostly).  Allison's seizures have declined in number, but increased in intensity.  As a 13 year old, she is now wearing (oh the horror) a brassiere!

You know that show, Mommy swap?  I want on that.  Not really, but if I have any volunteers to take on a piece of my load . . .

A few recent pics (from my new phone- baby broke my old one, and Maddy and Eric broke the camera, while fighting over it).


Coleen said...

It's too bad it everything came together at the last minute for our trip to P-burg, but we hope to see you soon. I hope you find some answers and some peace--especially thru the counseling. Stay strong!

Leslie Cosgriff McKinney said...

Way to blog! Keep it up...I love the new pics!